I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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