if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
