On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
