Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
