Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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