So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
