I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Barsexuality is the new black.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
