I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
