I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
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