He disabled his match.com account in front of me
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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