Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
