I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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