I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
