I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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