how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
