before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
