Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
