i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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