Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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