I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize