i jhust puked up my retainher.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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