I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
