how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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