Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
