so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
