how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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