chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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