I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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