if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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