So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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