I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
