You made me cry and you don't even care
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
