Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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