They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
