be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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