this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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