When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
