you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
