I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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