I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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