so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
