two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Randomize
