How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
