I wish my penis had an off switch
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
