i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
