y did u give ur computer a hand job?
oh god the rape fog is back!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Randomize
