New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
