If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize