Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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