That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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