Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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