Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
