If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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