I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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