I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
40s are totally the cure
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
