Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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