no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
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He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
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Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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