Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
